dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
