I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
