You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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