How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
jump out the window naked night went bad
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