Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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