wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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