We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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