I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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