i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
