then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
