i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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