y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
