i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
