mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
