FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Randomize
