Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize