no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
