You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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