you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I need a beard to bite.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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