Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I AM VODKA MAN
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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