So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
