this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
