ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
