If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
