Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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