I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
