I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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