you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
