I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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