my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
