I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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