You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
