You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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