I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
