I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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