don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
