One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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