i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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