It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
