She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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