I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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