if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
