NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize