With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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