i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
she told me i tasted like america
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
not ubering you a puppy
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