his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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