Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
