I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
