he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
