ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
