I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
