Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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