Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
