last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
