I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I need a burrito and a hug.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
