quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
