Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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