trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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