Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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