Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
