And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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