LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
