i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The convent might be a nice break from real life
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
